Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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