I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
