I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
