I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
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I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
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I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
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