that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
