Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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