how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just high enough for therapy.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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