oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
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I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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