i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
