Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
