A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
