He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
