how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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