Sry I called you an 8
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
