You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
