does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
