I swear she didn't look like that last week.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
