Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
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I just blew my weed a kiss
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
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I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?