Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
