Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
