Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
