Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
