I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
