if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
