The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Is it penis luge time yet?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
