sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
