I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
