I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
