It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
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Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
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If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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