Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
