Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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