hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize