She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
