the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
