my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
