my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
