I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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