i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
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dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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