he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
