he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
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