Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
