Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
