I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
