i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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