Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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