The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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