tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
