You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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