I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
