My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
