Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
