i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
