WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
