They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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