I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
