Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Everything about him screamed your future.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
